babe, I'm gonna leave you

I'm starting to get panicky about going back to school.   I fully expect that by Sunday evening, I'll be rocking in a corner and biting my fingers.  Matt and I have a contingency plan to avoid this and have decided that I am supposed to have everything ready to go for Monday by dinner time and that at dinner, I'll be taking a melatonin so that I can sit with Norah and enjoy the last few hours of our time while forcing myself into relaxation/early bedtime.

It's not that I'm leaving her with strangers (our parents will take turns watching her), and it's not that I haven't realized that I still get to spend every evening with her.  It's not that I don't miss working, either.  I think that it's a mixture of attachment to her, worry that I'll miss an important part of her life or that she will be depending on others to provide what I should be giving her, and fear that I won't be able to manage all of the facets of my life colliding together.  

Before there was Norah, there was no disputing that my job and my students were my life.  However, she has stolen my entire heart and has hands-down been my life for the past 6 weeks.  I've had to put out a few figurative fires and keep up on a few issues in the gradebook while I was out, but my maternity leave was 96% work-free.  Now that I'm about to jump back into work headfirst again, I don't want to make room for anything else because she fills me so completely with love.  

I'm not denouncing my students by any means, it's just a different perspective on happiness.   What if the Mama she gets from 3pm-6:30am is not enough Mama for her, or what if Mama is not on her A-game from 3pm-6:30am enough to provide her with adequate nurturing?  I love my mom, but she had three other kids after me, and I TOTALLY understand now why she was so overwhelmed with four and why I promised myself growing up that I would always be warm, affectionate, and attentive to my kid(s).  I want to be able to give Norah the best of me.  I'm not sure that "the best of me" is achievable if I'm coming from 5 different places (mentally) everyday.  

I know that millions of moms work and fulfill their maternal duties every day, and I'm sure that I'll figure it out and do my best.  (One thing that helps is that my masters will be finished by the end of January, so that will be off of my shoulders.)  I'm just saying... it feels a little rough right now.   Is it wrong that I also hope that I don't get used to leaving her every day?  I don't want to become desensitized to being away from her.  Hmm.  Maybe it would be best to keep some kleenex in my car for a few weeks.